“If I could, I’d write a huge encyclopedia just about the words luck and coincidence”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I was combing through some files on my computer last night and came across a draft of a blog post that I couldn’t even remember writing. It was called, “My Contract to Disconnect.” My own title intrigued me so I read through the draft and thought it was darn good. I thought it would be worth cleaning up and posting with today’s date as if I had just written it. No harm, no foul.
But, when I looked at the details of the document I saw the actual date I had written it: 11/13/13. Oooooh. Eerie. The timeliness is hard to deny. I’ve been back to these same frustrations lately as one of my closest confidants, my mother, can attest. And now, I feel counseled by own words.
Here they are, just slightly edited…
My Contract to Disconnect
As you know if you’ve been reading this blog long, I find it a challenge, in the pursuit of understanding connection, to truly feel connected to other people. Maybe the word “feel” isn’t’ specific enough. Let me try to clarify. I can intellectually grasp and conceive of an energetic and quantum connection to other people. The science makes some kind of sense to me. But there is a disconnect between the knowledge and my actual day to day life. Remember when we all said, “When am I ever going to use this algebraic formula of blah blah blah?”
In that example, though, there is a good chance that at some point in your life you might actually encounter a situation in which that formula becomes relevant. What a gratifying moment…you don’t even care that you were proven wrong and naïve because…holy shit! It’s the blah blah blah formula! That is the kind of moment that I look forward to on a more regular basis…except in terms of connection. I have had them from time to time, but not often enough to satisfy me and not in a way that didn’t include a sense of my forcing the realization to happen to some extent.
When I am meditating/praying I can “feel” connection to be true as well. (There is that vague word again.) With that feeling comes a sense of transcendence to the world and the physical barriers between us all and I can feel gratitutde for the connection I have to others, even those that pose challenges in my life. But imagine that I open my eyes from that place of mediprayer and am looking that person in the eye…poof! The sense of connection is usually gone and I am fully in the ego and at the mercy of all my different parts that try to situate us according to every other good and bad relationship I have had. It would again turn into an intellectual exercise to say, “I am connected to you.”
So why can’t I feel a truer connection to the people I pass on the street or even spend large parts of my day with? Why don’t I feel like we are simply waves of energy interacting and passing through our “time and space” which doesn’t really exist and that we are manifesting in this physical matter but that we are actually each an extention of the source that is god, that is the ocean?
Plenty have pointed out that the ego prohibits us from being able to experience deeper things like this connection. I think for me it is just that. There is a persistent belief that connecting with people is one of the biggest risks you can take in life because of the potential of pain that could come from that connection.
I know we all have beleifs and “contracts” that we have made with life like Don Migueel Ruiz writes about in Four Agreements, so I’m not shocked or surprised to know that this is one of mine. And of course, as is the mechanism of most of our contracts with life, the associated fear usually proves itself to be true if we are not vigilant because we unknowingly comply with the things that will further embed the contract. Oy.
But a-ha, what a beautiful comic signpost from Life that I would have a deep, deep hunger to understand Connection (and even begin a blog to explore it) above almost anything else when my biggest contract is to NOT be connected! We really do know what we need most to be healed before we can even explicitly recognize it.
Well what to do with this contract. ….. I almost want to end the blog right here because I’m not sure what the answer is. This may be a to-be-continued kind of post. I recently experienced a painful connection and have had to remove that connection from my life. Blech. It hurts and part of me that clings to my contract wants to say, “See. I told you so.” Thank god there are other parts to hear as well.
Overall though, it feels like a great challenge to figure out what to dowith such a long-held contract. The other day I think that I did experience a little shift. A little crack perhaps in the monument set up for my contract. I was in the middle of a time of prayer and I was expressing how much I loved the spirit of god that is MY spirit too. That we are inseparable, that we are one. How honored I am to be one, unique expression of the spirit of god. But mostly just how much I love that spirit! The I sort of came to see that the spirit I love is the same one in each person. That when you look at someone, you are looking at another expression of the spirit, source, universal mind. It’s like in the scene in Being John Malcovich where they all are John Malcovich in his ego. But it is like that…each person is spirit. If I am in love with the spirit then when I look at someone else then I see the spirit in a different form but it is the same spirit that I adore. If I adore my neice, then imagine I could go to a different time and space and see her 60 year old self. Would I still love her? I would! It is the same with spirit.
I don’t know if this makes any sense. It’s hard to describe with words the things that are just shown in the heart. But, I’ve been trying this out during times of prayer and also during interactions with people and have been loving it. So here is what I do….
- Acknowledge what I am feeling toward a person. This is often judgement or sense of being judged. Be okay with that for now.
- Connect with the spirit in me with gratitude and adoration.
- Look at that person and see the SAME spirit acting out its manifestation as that person.
It’s actually been really easy and though this may sound like an intellectual exercise it is actually very heart-led. It is a little bit more of the “feeling” that I have been looking for…or at least it one step toward that.